Lentils and water collected by French virgins from a freshwater spring deep within the Apennine Mountains

This article.

Whenever I see stories exalting celebrities for quickly getting their bodies back after having a baby, I want to smack the writer and their editor in the face with a rotting fish carcass.

Who are these amazing woman that shed the post-baby bulge in record time by sheer force of will and star power? Beyoncé, Bethenny Frankel, P!nk, Victoria Beckham, etc. My favorite quote comes from Gwyneth Paltrow, “Every woman can make time—every woman—and you can do it with your baby in the room,” she said. “There have been countless times where I’ve worked out with my kids crawling all over the place.”

Excuse for a second while I respond like a cynical hag.

Fuck you, GP.

You too, Health Magazine.

Those women and their amazing bodies have several things that normal moms don’t have: nannies, personal trainers, personal assistants, personal chefs, and the finances to afford it all. After 14 slides of Super Women in an article titled Fastest Celebrity Post-Baby Slim-Downs with blurbs like, she lost her baby weight in three-weeks!, she worked out five days a week!, she worked out for three hours a day!, she only ate five handfuls* of food a day! she only ate lentils and water collected by French virgins from a freshwater spring deep within the Apennine Mountains**!, Health Magazine has two more slides with what they want us to believe are “normal” new moms (re: average skinny models holding babies in stock images) reminding us Normals that, you know, we’re going to be tired and stressed and stuff, but with the right attitude we, too, can get our pre-baby body back while breaking the land-speed record, we just need to listen to our bodies!

Ladies, it’s not going to happen. I mean, for some of you, it will. You’ll bounce back and be in your pre-pregnancy jeans within a few weeks and your friends will quietly hate you for it. For most, it’s a process that lasts 6-months to a year (or three…DON’T JUDGE). That’s normal. Busting out two hour workouts, five days a week, three days after you have a baby? That’s messed up. It’s not healthy. Hear that “Health” Magazine? Postpartum marathon dieting should be avoided, not applauded.

*Apparently this is a real diet. See also: anorexia.

**Hyperbole used to illustrate the absurdity of Health Magazine’s article.






One thought on “Lentils and water collected by French virgins from a freshwater spring deep within the Apennine Mountains

  1. Any time anyone writes a parenting advice book or article, the first step should always be “Have lots of money. You can be a great parent and human being no matter how much money you have, but if you have lots of money, parenting will be so much easier on you. If you do have lots of money, TRY AND FUCKING REMEMBER TO QUIT CONGRATULATING YOURSELF PUBLICLY ABOUT HOW AWESOME YOU ARE BECAUSE A LOT OF YOUR AWESOME IS THAT YOU HAVE A LOT OF MONEY.”

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