I don’t even know

A few weeks ago JP started taking Abilify. A friend of mine (who works with kids that have a broad spectrum of issues) told me that “Abilify gives you the ability to be a nice guy.” I was so optimistic.

I need to learn to stop being optimistic*.

It didn’t work. In a lot of ways it made him worse. I don’t even know how to describe it…he was…tweaked. More worried. More irritable. More likely to get frustrated and smash his head. More defiant. Ruder. The last three weeks have not been fun.

For reasons I don’t understand (and believe me, I’ve asked) he had a meltdown at fencing a few weeks ago. He refused to work, participate in drills, banged his head into the wall. I wasn’t there (of course) so I didn’t see what happened but the grandfather of one of his teammates stopped me when I went to pick JP up, “Your boy had big problems,” he told me.

Neat. I felt my face flush and fought the urge to cry.

On the way home I yelled and cried. Later, when we were both calm, we talked about coping, talked about being frustrated, talked about doing things we don’t enjoy (like push-ups), bribes were put on the table (fencing shoes and a grill**), and a threat was made: If this happens again, you lose fencing for a month.

And he was coping. Participating. Having fun.

Until Tuesday.

He had a meltdown.

Same shit, different day. The details seem so irrelevant.

It happened. The details are irrelevant.

The added bonus was watching him be completely uncivil and disrespectful to his coach while she and I were talking. He was yelling at her in a completely hateful tone, interrupting, being rude towards me. It was mortifying.

He’s out of fencing for at least a month, maybe until he goes back to school. He’s only going to one camp this summer (with the place that does social skills). I’d love to send him to others (JP and SG usually go to one or two half day/ day camps in June and July) but I’m not going to because I don’t trust him. And, honestly? I’m so fucking sick of JP drama. I need a break.

I also don’t want him home. Hell, if we could afford it, I would send JP and SG to camp all day, every day, all summer long because lately they’re soul sucking monsters.

That’s a hell of a Catch 22, no?


We met with his psychiatrist today and are dinking around with his meds again.

We’re cutting back his Concerta ER to half (instead of two, 54 mg tablets once a day, he’ll be down to one 54 mg tablet once a day), getting rid of the Abilify, and adding Depakote twice a day. I’m not super excited about that medicine. The side effects are scary and the Risperdal overdose hospital run is still pretty fresh in my mind.

Basically we’re in the same place we’ve been for months and months.

I hate it here.

*Optimism= disappointment

**He wants us to have a grill so I said if he did well with fencing, school, and his tournament (doing well= being safe and appropriate) for a few weeks, we would buy a grill. Odd  as it sounds, he was super excited about it.


4 thoughts on “I don’t even know

  1. Aww Kell, I am sorry things aren’t working and going even worse. I should read more and babble less about the wee one. Tell me to shut up and get a real rough week next time.

    • Don’t you dare apologize for being excited about Johnny MacPippin! I love squeaky baby hiccup videos and think your utter excitement and joy is beautiful. Happy vacation, Granny!

  2. I know it probably doesn’t help AT ALL to tell you this, but when my kid’s having melt-downs (nothing compared to JP’s, I know — she’s just got minor anxiety issues related to her allergies and blood sugar problems) sometimes it helps if I can tell myself she’s not doing this on purpose. It’s not HER that’s freaking and being hysterical: it’s the stupid chemicals in her body. It’s not JP who’s being rude/acting out: it’s the stupid drug they have him on that’s not working, the stupid chemicals that keep his brain from working right.

    I know you know all this already. Sorry.

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